why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
