Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
