i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
