I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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