I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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