I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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