Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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