Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
