I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I need moral support for this bender
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
