How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I love you.
Bad choice
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