a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
