i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
