allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
