Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
My vagina is officially offended.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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