so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
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He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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