That's intense
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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