2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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