last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
