Porn is love you can see.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
