i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Randomize
