I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
