He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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