I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
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