So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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