Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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