So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
