Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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