Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
