if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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