I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
