last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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