Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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