I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
