some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
