If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
