I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
