Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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