Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
