I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
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