You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
