Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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