I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
