Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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