I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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