mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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