I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
