Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
