I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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