she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
