What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
