i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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