Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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