I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Drunk is not a location!
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
