Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
