I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
