i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm always down for nudity.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
