I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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