you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
