he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
