I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
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Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
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you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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