Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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